The First Of Two Fears

When all this began I had two fears. I’ve done everything I can to hide away from them.

Running to a new life; trying to be a better person, going on a year long crusade to shape my future. Fighting and slaughtering my past, all in the name of my ideals.

I’m battle hardened and no longer my quiet self. Refusing to ever be silenced, or to ever silence my own voice again. I will confidently let my battle roar be heard and lay my arms down only when I decide the time is right.

That was my first fear; to let myself disappear and have no substance. Too afraid to live my life after bad times had scarred me. Letting everything good slip past me while I wallowed away in self pity and obsession.

You see, I like to be in control of myself, in charge of my own destiny and my choices. When that is taken away from me; I tend to retreat in to myself. Regardless if I had taken the choices away or if someone else had.

Perhaps I over-think it all too much, that, I know, is one of my faults. I need to just forgive myself, realising that I should just let life be and actually go out and make the changes I want while I take the journey.

The fact I’m here right now, just as it all changes, standing in this sea of madness, might be testament to this.

Ironically, in crusading to change my quiet self I come dangerously close to my second fear.

Swapping one self obsession for another…